


The Voice Within You

by the_weeping_cannibal, TomRoyal69



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anorexia, Blood, Childhood Trauma, Demonic Possession, Demons, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Eventual Smut, Exorcisms, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Character Death, Overdosing, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Past Drug Addiction, Road Trips, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smut, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting, Weight Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2019-10-14 02:19:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17499737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_weeping_cannibal/pseuds/the_weeping_cannibal, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TomRoyal69/pseuds/TomRoyal69
Summary: Tom spends each day in turmoil from this… thing inside his body. It’s black and sticky and buried deep inside his core, waiting to shatter the thin wall of glass that separates itself from Tom. It doesn’t care if Tom is upset or unhappy, all it wants to do is “fix” him.Tom’s going to need help if he wants this creature to leave him alone.…Hey…Tord knew about paranormal things, didn’t he?This fanfic is very focused on dismantling the layers and properties of mental illness and how it impacts life. If you're not comfortable with in depth talk about such topics, please do not read this.Although, if you are very interested in the representation of mental illness, I think you'll like this story. Enjoy!





	1. A Straight Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's something coming out of your eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please notify me for any grammar and spelling mistakes so I can fix it! Thank you!

_Tom stared up at the shadowy creature looming before him, his baby blue eyes widened in fear. It was dark and deep into the night and he sat on his bed… alone. He couldn't remember when the creature appeared or how long he’d been sitting and staring at it, but it already felt like an eternity. Maybe he was hallucinating… or… maybe he was dreaming? That sounded about right. He wanted to smile to himself. A small expression of pride licked past his sharp glare. It was rewarding knowing this was all a dream._

_...But it wasn’t, was it? In fact, it was far from a dream. It seemed Tom was the only one in the world who had truly opened his eyes and seen the creature of the dark. The black shadow suddenly hunched forward slowly and extended an arm to the eleven-year-old Tom. Tom tried to wake up, but he couldn’t._

_“Who...what are you?” He asked. When he got no response, he tried again, “Hello…?”_

_“How does it feel, child?” The creature asked, its rasping voice almost hurt Toms ears, despite how quiet it was._

Tom woke up with a jolt. No longer was he eleven, nor was he in his old house. A small sigh left his mouth as he looked around the room. The same old blue concrete walls towered above him in his bed while small rays of sun peeked through the blinds. He glanced to the side at his phone, swiftly grabbed it, and turned it on. It read 9:29 AM. With a groan, he sat up after a couple of minutes of debating on getting out of bed today.

“Tom.” A voice called. His own name made him jump, but he quickly collected himself and looked to his door. Tord stood in the doorframe with an eyebrow raised. “Get up. Edd wants to take you to your therapy session.” Tom groaned softly to himself. He hated therapy days, just a load of talking about things he doesn't want to talk about and getting nothing from it.

“I don’t wanna…” Tom growled and let himself fall back onto the sheets. Tord only rolled his silvery eyes.

“Ten minutes or you’re leaving with no breakfast.” He shot Tom a cheeky grin and strut out of the room, leaving Tom with a dreadful knot in his stomach. It took him about 3 minutes to sit back up again and sluggishly pull himself out of bed.

Instead of going to the closet and getting his clothes like a normal person, he just grabbed a shirt from the floor and pulled it on. He stared down at it for a moment... How long ago did he wear this? Probably a few days ago... It didn’t look too dirty. A quick sniff confirmed that it was at least acceptable to wear as it didn’t smell too bad.

It seems he fell asleep in his pants, lucky for him since he didn’t have the energy to look for a new pair. At the moment, he didn’t care enough to look for shoes and just slipped on a random pair of mismatched vans, then made his way to the kitchen.

Matt was already in the kitchen, his plate about 3 parts syrup to 1 part pancake. He was always one to enjoy sugary breakfasts. Edd was perched next to him, a plate of his “experimental bacon” in front of him. It wasn’t very interesting, in all honesty, just a plate of bacon that was marinated in cola overnight.

“I’m knackered…” Tom groaned as he slid into the chair next to Edd, who gently pulled his plate closer to himself and away from the black-eyed man. “Sod off, Edd, I’m not interested in that... rubbish.”

“Yikes, calm down. I’m just playing it safe.”

“Whatever cock-up you’ve just made is just the reverse of that… bacon cola tosh thing! Don’t get too prou-” Before Tom could finish his sentence, he felt a harsh sting on the back of his scalp which threw his head forward, almost hitting it on the table. It took him a moment to realize he had just been slapped on the back of the head. In a light state of confusion, he snapped his head around to look behind him. Tord stood there, glaring at him.

“Don’t get any new habits, you old sloth. You can take your anger out on me, but don’t screw up your relationship with Edd, he’s pretty much the only reason you still have a roof over your head.”

Matt frowns a little, looking over at them. He's now covering his pancakes in whipped cream and a few berries. It counts as eating healthy, right?

“Guys, all of you, knock it off... It's far too early for this.”

Tom turned to Matt and gritted his teeth, “I just got smacked in the back of the head, don’t you tell me it’s too bloody early for anything!” That sentence landed another harsh smack on his head from the Norwegian. “And we’re on our way!” Tord barked and yanked Tom out of his chair. “Get in the car.” He muttered and shoved Tom out of the kitchen.

The now furious British man was about to twirl around to knock some sense into the others when he felt a small tingle inside his stomach. He immediately froze in place, knowing what, or rather, who it was. Someone much more powerful than himself... someone far more dangerous. Tom knew he couldn’t lose control. The house would probably be in shambles if he did. Instead, he walked over to the television, which was currently off, and stared at his reflection. He stared for any changes in his appearance. Sharp teeth? Nope. Smoke coming from his eyes? Nothing.

He sighed in relief and stood, then was tugged to the side by Tord, “Just us today, Tom.” The Norwegian dragged Tom to the car, who growled in annoyance. “Edd wants to work by himself today…something about how he doesn’t get any time to himself…” Tom yanked himself out of Tords grip the moment the two made it outside. Tord just stared at Tom expectantly for 3 seconds, then silently got in the car. Tom stared back at Tord, hate burning in his eyes, but he could only huff angrily and join him.

“If you ask me… he’s trying to get us to spend time together.” He muttered as he slumped in the passenger's seat. Tord shrugged in response, pulled out of the driveway, and turned on the radio. April March’s voice from the radio was soon the only noise in the car. Tom wasn’t focused on her though, he was busy thinking about what a close call he had before Tord rudely dragged him outside. Hey… Tord was into paranormal things, wasn’t he? Tom remembered back in high-school, Tord would ramble for hours about the type of ghost he was studying or the kind of demon he was attempting to study. That was way back before Tord got more than a couple of hours of sleep a day.

Tom reached over and gently turned down the volume of the radio. Tord shot him a confused glance.

“What’s up?” He quickly turned his head back to the road.

“…Are you still into all that magic stuff?” Tom tried to stay monotone as he spoke so Tord wouldn’t get suspicious.

“…M-Magic…? I was never into magic, Tom.”

“I- no- I mean demons and stuff.”

Tord stared forward silently. If Tom could, he would probably try pulling open the Norwegians face to see the gears turning in his head as he tried to process Toms words. After a few moments, Tord let out his typical wheezy laugh.

“The paranormal? Åh Gud, du er så dum. Yes, it still fascinates me.”

Tom really wishes he could understand Tord when he spoke Norwegian. He felt insulted every time Tord spoke it, even though he couldn’t understand. He just… felt like Tord was insulting him every time he used that sodding language. Heh, how sensitive of him, huh?

Before he could jump right into the fact that there was a demon possessing him, he needed to ease Tord into this.

“Well… you still believe in it all…?”

“Kind of. I lost a bit of interest but… that doesn’t mean that I won’t stop believing in it. I know that something is out there. I just haven’t found it.”

If only Tord knew how close it really was…

“Do you think demons are real? I uh… read something about them last night. I wanted some of your input.”

“Well, what’d you read?” Tord shifted a little, his tone changed to his ‘I-know-everything’ tone that Tom hated. It was softer than his regular speaking voice and he would always twitch and twist his face whenever he was trying to understand something. He looked like a stereotypical nerd in a movie, he might as well be wearing the headgear and glasses cliche.

“Something about possession…? How demons can take control of a person’s body and make them hurt their friends or something?”

“It matters what type of demon you’re talking about. Some demons possess the body and others possess emotions and mind. The bodily possession usually goes like… a person cannot control their body, but they can think their own thoughts. Emotional possession is when the demon kind of… lives inside of their target, waiting to awaken and take control of the mind and body. When that happens, the person who is possessed can’t think or move on their own. The thing I found weird about this was that the person would still be conscious. So it’s not like blacking out, as some people think it is… it’s more like slipping into a different mind in a matter of seconds. Pretty neat, if you ask me.”

At least Tom knows what kind of possession he has now and it was fucking scary.

“Have you ever met anyone who was possessed? And… is it possible to get those demons exorcised?”

“Hm, no I haven’t. I’ve seen videos of people who are supposedly possessed, though. And of course it’s possible, why wouldn’t it be?”

Tom shrugged… yeah, that was kind of a stupid question.

“Have you seen an exorcism…? And do you know how it’s done?”

“Um, well… how about I get back to you on that? It uh… seems we’ve arrived.” Tord muttered as his eyes darted around the parking lot. Tom hadn’t even noticed they had made it to their destination. Once they had parked, Tom took a moment to stare at the building. He hated it, it made him feel so vulnerable to emotions. Being forced to spit out all his insecurities and problems was one thing, but doing it with someone he despised in the room? Then have that person rub all of Toms flaws back in his face? How dreadful.

As the two walked into the building, Tom shivered as a gust of cold air hit him right in the face. They always had the AC so high. Everything in here annoyed him. Even the way Tord walked was annoying him… he was so graceful and calm. It made Tom jealous. How can he function so well? It’s like he has no worries in life at all. He kept a straight face and pressed the elevator button. He stared at Tom, waiting for him to enter the elevator. Tom sighed a little and trudged in, trying not to focus too much on Tords face.

As the two soon entered the waiting room, Tord pursed his lips.

“We’re early.” He said and plopped down in a seat. Tom sat a few seats away, then heard Tord mumble, “Can’t even sit next to me, huh? I’m that much of a nuisance to you.” But he decided to pay no mind to it, even if it did make him feel a little immature.

It took the therapist 4 minutes to walk out and call the two into her office. Tom really didn’t want to go… his legs felt weighed down as he stood up and walked with Tord down the hall. He was only grateful for the couch in the office since his legs already felt like barbells. He slumped down into the furniture and ignored Tord’s look of disapproval to his impoliteness. The Norwegian sat down on the other side of the couch with his posture as elegant as he could make it. What a show-off.

“Good morning, guys, looks like it’s just us today.” The therapist, Dr. Katz, spoke. Tom liked to focus on her voice sometimes… he thinks she might have a dental lisp. She told him something about it a while ago, but he couldn’t remember it that well. 11 year old him probably would’ve said something about her sounding like elastigirl or something else stupid like that.

“I suppose so… Edd said he wanted to work… so much for us.” Tord huffed.

“How’ve you both been?”

“Funny you should ask…” Tom sat up a little, “I was rudely awakened by my roommate this morning, then I was slapped on the back of the head, like, twice! Then I was yanked into the car. In other words, I’m extremely fucking miffed right now.” He crossed his arms, then uncrossed them, realizing he probably looked like an 8-year-old doing that.

“Well, you wouldn’t get out of bed! Plus, I won’t just watch you be rude to Edd and Matt like that.”  
  
Dr. Katz put her hand in the air, which was the sign they used when someone in the room needed silence.

“Ok, Tord.” She began, “We’ve discussed violent tactics. We can’t get too frustrated to the point where we’re hitting others. Tom has his own issues and by hitting him, you’re not helping him. All of you need to get better in order to communicate in a healthy manner and by resorting to violence, you’re preventing that.”

Tord scrunched his nose a little and leaned back a little, mumbling a small, “Sorry…” Dr. Katz stared at him, expecting a little more. It took Tord a moment to get the message. He always had trouble reading body language. “I… uh… got really frustrated, and did that without thinking… cause I’m used to it.”  
  
Tom hated hearing Tord speak like that. It sounded so corny. He hoped Tord wasn’t apologizing just because Dr. Katz was here. Either way, he nodded, hoping to jump to a different topic.

“So, what’s this I’m hearing about being rude to Edd and Matt?” Dr. Katz turned to look at Tom, who furrowed his brows.

“Um… Tord woke m-”  
  
“Let’s not mention Tord for now, just tell me about Edd and Matt.”

Tom pursed his lips, “...I… went into the kitchen… And I felt mad so… I told Edd that… the bacon he made looked like rubbish. Then Tord hit me, then Matt said it was too early for that stuff so I yelled at him… then Tord pulled me out of the kitchen.” Now he sounded like a proper asshole, didn’t he?

“So, what’s your reason for taking your anger out on them?”

“I have nothing else to take it out on… I can’t hit anything because that just makes me angrier. And I can’t write insults down in a notebook or something because I want the people who upset me to see it! I feel like the only way they understand that I’m mad is when I yell at them… otherwise, they’re oblivious! They keep repeating the same shit over and over.” Tom felt Tords gaze burning the side of his head. He took a second to glance at the Norski from the corner of his eyes. Again with the straight face.

Dr. Katz closed her eyes for a moment, “It’s a shame neither of them is here today… it would’ve been a lot better for all of you.”

Tom shrugged defiantly, “I doubt I’d say that stuff with them here. If I did, they’d throw a huuuuge pity party. The only reason I don’t care right now is because Tord’s here and I don’t care about how he feels.”

“Well, Tom, we both live under the same roof so I think you’re gonna have to try!” Tord barked. “And neither of us can move out, so for now, just fucking try.”

Tom looked at him with widened eyes… he knew Tord could be harsh sometimes, but this was just naked authority. So he just kept staring at Tord with an unreadable expression, hoping the other would realize how much he’d raised his voice. When nothing came, Tom looked to the side,

“Fucking… I don’t want to… I don’t want to see that shit-eating grin when you realize you’ve won!”

“There’s nothing to win, Tom!” So, Tord was trying to argue, huh? Finally, something he was used to. It was better than some half-assed apology.

“Fuck you! You know that if I did try, you’d rub it in my fucking face about how you molded me into a sweet little angel who gives a tit about how you- how anyone feels! That’s not who I am and that’s not who I want to be! It’s revolting how you try to change me into a piece of rubbish like you! I never even liked myself in the first place, who gave you the idea that I’d want to hate myself even more by being shaped into a person with the personality of a sarcastic pug on steroids!”

Dr. Katz raised her hand once more, but Tom wasn’t having it today, he wasn’t finished. Tord straightened up and turned to her, it was obvious he was trying his hardest not to snap, but Tom didn’t care. He never cares. Instead, he continued rambling.

“You’re always trying to get everyone to do what you want! You think you’re all that, don’t you?! You think you have the ability to order me around just because you’re so much bigger and stronger!”  


“Tom-” Dr. Katz attempted to quiet him down, but he couldn’t take this, he was tired of being the one who’s too scared to speak up to his own therapist, for goodness sake.

“I don’t care about people! That’s just my personality! Edd wouldn’t shove his boot up my arse for being myself! We’ve known each other since high school, do you really think he would begin to start hating me now?! I’m always trying to stay far away from you because we’d be better off like that, wouldn’t we?! I have a shitty personality and so do you! We’re bad for each other yet you still think it’s ok to hit me on the back of the head and yank me out into the car and act like you’re my father! You’re nothing like my father, you prick, so stop acting like you can always shove me around as if you were!” God, that felt amazing to expel. He could feel that tingle inside his core again, but he didn’t care that much.

Then he noticed Tords expression. Still a fucking straight face. The tingle began spreading throughout his body, now. Did any of that even mean a thing to Tord? Dr. Katz began to speak, but it wasn’t her regular tone… she sounded scared.  


“Tom… there’s something coming out of your eyes.” Was all she said. Tom’s first thought was about how unprofessional that was, then he realized that no, it was not normal to have anything besides tears come out of eyes. Tords eyebrows raised and his eyes widened. Oh shit.

Tom stood, the room began to get foggy now. “I’ll, uh… be back.” He squeaked, then bolted out of the room. First stop; the bathroom. His shoes let out a loud screech as he skidded to a halt on the tiled floor. With his heart pumping loudly in his chest, he turned to the mirror to see smoke. Purple, thick, disgusting smoke slowly dancing its way out of his eyes.

He had a thought, it wasn’t his own.

 **_Let me out_ **, he heard. It was quiet, raspy, and hurt toms ears… just like what he had heard when he was eleven. He shook his head.

_You can’t leave, I hate him as much as you do, but we can’t hurt him._

**_Yes, we can… I can be your guide, I can help you. I will be your savior, Tom. Don’t you see? I’m what you’ve been missing. The Norwegian will probably think the police can solve what I will do to him, but they won’t will they? I can save you from the police, from him, from everyone. Wouldn’t you like that, Tom?_ **


	2. 100 Golden Goats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talk to me, Tom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please notify me for any grammar and spelling mistakes so I can fix it! Thank you!

_“I...I’m not sure I understand.” Tom quietly replied. His body felt stuck as if he was glued to the bed._

 

_“How does it feel to spend every day in an unwelcoming building… surrounded by solemn adults and malicious children?” The creature stared at Tom, its eyes glowing white and its fingers long and thin._

 

_“...It hurts.” Tom said and relaxed a little._

 

_“If only you could spend one day in peace…” The creature began walking to the side of Toms bed, “But alas, you’re miserable in this withering household too, are you not?” Tom felt more nauseated with each step it took. “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the children at school admired you… and wouldn’t it be so grand if your parents gave you more attention… and wouldn’t it be so brilliant if you had a perfect reputation…?” The creature loomed over Tom now._

 

_“...I suppose so…”_

 

Tom shook his head and looked away from the mirror. Black spots filled parts of his vision, then faded.

 

_Leave. Me. Alone._

 

**Just let go. Aren’t you tired of fighting me, Tom?**

 

Tom breathed heavily as a disgusting feeling filled his body. He felt weak and sick. In a matter of seconds, he was on his knees. It was as if strings were tied to his wrists and ankles and pulling him down more and more. As if the strings tightened around his wrists, he began to feel lightheaded. The strings were cutting his blood circulation off. So he was just a puppet to this monster, huh?

 

In a desperate attempt to stop this turmoil, he crawled over to the concrete walls of the bathroom, and let himself fall forward. His head hit the wall, and in a few seconds, his vision went black. It hurt, but the punishment of staying conscious would hurt far more.

 

…

 

He woke up 8 minutes later in the same position on the floor. It felt sickening to wake up. It seemed his brain became conscious faster than the rest of his body. He felt each of his limbs slowly regain feeling, then he weakly pulled himself up and looked in the mirror, only to see a bloody gash on the left side of his forehead.

 

Well, now what was he going to do? If anyone else saw this gash they would think he’s punching himself or something! He could try texting Tord but… what would that fix? They both needed this therapy session and, knowing Tord, he would think Tom was making excuses. A small droplet of blood rolled down his head, leaving a red trail behind it.

 

Fuck it. He pulled out his phone and began typing.

 

“hey. i kinda slipped and fell and hit my head on the wall now im bleeding can u cancel the session fpr this week?” Without bothering to fix his spelling mistake, Tom sent the message.

 

Tord took about a minute to begin typing. “Are you really that willing to hit your head just to get out of therapy? That’s pathetic!”

 

“it was an accidnt >:(!! pls believe me for once! i slipped! and it hurtss!”

 

Tom was left on read, but not even a minute later, the door opened. Tord stood there, glaring.

 

“Get up. We’re going…” The Norwegians tone of authority made Tom shiver.

 

The two made their way to the lobby, rescheduled, and left.

 

The car ride was awkward and silent for the first couple minutes, then Tom spoke up.

 

“Do you… fancy therapy? Why are you so mad about leaving…? Therapy is dreadful.”

 

“Therapy is helpful, Tom. We all need it but you’re still focused on how early in the morning it’s scheduled or… or how we need to drag you out of the house for it.”

 

“That’s not the main part! I hate talking about my problems and I hate being sentimental and I hate opening up!” Tom turned to Tord, he sounded more whiny than angry. “I want to solve my own problems! I don’t need some gobby little smartass reminding me of everything I hate about myself…”

 

The other man wrinkled his nose and pulled the car over to the side of the road. A sinking feeling found itself in Tom’s stomach, maybe he said too much. Tord stared at him with this… glare. His eyelids twitched slightly, but they were pretty wide open at the same time. It was unsettling, to say the least. The feeling dulled as soon as he looked away, if he had kept staring any longer, Tom probably would’ve panicked and began crying.

 

“Give me a moment…” He whispered shakily and exited the car with his hands balled into fists. Tom sat in silence as a man he saw as strong and independent, stomped into someone else's yard, kneeled on the floor and practically had a temper tantrum. He punched, stomped, scratched, and let out strained screams. It felt unreal to watch. Tord was a strong guy who was pretty hard to anger. Seeing him like this felt… wrong. Well, it’s not like tom should judge him. Maybe he was just listening to Dr. Katz and taking his anger out by… practically wrestling the grass.

 

Once he was finished, he stood up, wiped his hands on his trousers, and calmly walked back to the car. Tom noticed faint dirt streaks on his knees as he returned to the driver’s seat.

 

“Tom… I don’t like talking about my problems either. The difference between us is that I can see myself from a different view. I can observe what we look like to an outsider. I don’t try to convince myself that I’m fine.” He turned to Tom, “Every single path in the world has hurdles that are hard to avoid, so maybe you should fucking try to jump over them for once instead of just moping around and letting someone else push it out of the way for you. That’ll do nothing for you but prove that you’re weak. You can’t fucking defend yourself for shit. You won’t survive on your own.”

 

Tom went silent. Well, that was surely something to think about. He knew he was weak, but never really minded it. The thought of being alone with no one to push a hurdle out of the way for him just never really occurred to him… but it was scary. He just always assumed Edd would be there, but what if Edd actually made him move out…? Or get a job…?

 

The rest of the ride was quiet and tense.

 

When the two arrived home, Tom immediately went to the bathroom and cleaned his forehead. A bit of dried blood melted off the gash and left dull, watery, blood streaks on the sink that flowed into the drain. Oh, and what luck, they were out of bandages. God, this was getting overwhelming, now all he wanted to do was cry. It’s stupid, why is he getting so stressed over tiny things? It’s just a bandage!

 

So, in a fit of anger, he grabbed a box of tissues, pulled a few out, held them against his forehead, and stormed to his room.

 

Part of him wanted to just sit on his bed and cry like a baby, but another part of him nagged at him. It pinched at his side and told him to think about his fucking problems like a mature adult. If he didn’t, then he would just be proving Tord right.

 

In fact, he spent so much time looking the other way. He was strong, right? This wasn’t that big of a problem. Why couldn’t he just let loose for once? Tord told him he was weak but he’s not! He’s fucking not! Letting loose would make him strong, wouldn’t it? Emotions didn't make him weak… he could cry and think about his problems at the same time!

 

Oh god, his eyes were watering. Y’know what? It’d been a while since he had a good cry. So, he threw himself onto his bed and cried. Crying always felt so bittersweet, it hurt his throat and chest, but it felt so nice to just let loose. He didn’t have time to care about how it hurt, though, he needed to think about what happened at therapy instead.

 

What happened again…? Oh, right… his anger.

 

It was getting worse… to the point that he couldn’t get mad without feeling like hell was flooding out of his eyes and mouth. He needed this creature out of his body because grinning and bearing it was becoming less of an option… if he kept this up, he would hurt someone against his will. His body wasn’t a fucking toy… he wasn’t a fucking puppet for someone else to control.

 

Well, if this thing was a demon, he would need to exorcise it. Well, he… didn’t really know how to do that, did he? Jehovah’s witnesses didn’t exactly do exorcisms, from what he remembered. Of course, he could go to a church for that but he would feel so… out of place. Maybe he could do it himself?

 

Plus, he had an occultist napping in the room a few doors over.

 

Tord probably had some sort of exorcism manual, if those things even exist. Oh, but it’s not like the Norwegian even wanted to see Tom now. That’s so pathetic, isn’t it? Tom couldn’t even grow the balls to apologize to him. All he wanted was to just move past Tord’s little… fit and converse more about exorcisms.

 

Or maybe he could just say screw it and act as nothing happened. While it’s not the healthiest solution, it was probably the easiest. He knows Tord can be pleasant, it’s basically his party trick. The Norski was calming and peaceful (around people other than Tom, of course).

 

Tom thought that Tord pulled it off with his voice. Either way, Tord probably wouldn’t have a choice… if he was listening to Dr. Katz, that is. She wanted Tord to hold fewer grudges and be more forgiving.

 

What’s the worst that could happen? He sat up and looked at the tissue… it looked like he had stopped bleeding.

 

So he stood and shakily walked to Tords door.

 

“Tord.” He used the back of his hand to tap on the door. For some reason, that was always something that annoyed Tord.

 

Tom heard a long, bored sigh, followed by a small “What…?”.

 

“You never finished your sentence… a-about the exorcisms.” Tom hated how fake his sentences sounded. He was practically a frog, constantly croaking out awkward sentences and jumbled words.

 

“... Alright just… ugh… come in and we’ll talk.”

 

He opened the door to be greeted with a neat room that smelled of cologne and cigars. Tom hated the smell of a cigar, how could Tord even like those things? Their foul smell made him want to throw up. Tord was sitting in his work chair with a book in hand and… reading glasses on? Well, that was new.

 

“Who’re you trying to exorcise?” He immediately asked with narrow eyes.

 

“Whaaat?” Tom chuckled nervously between his words, “I-I’m not trying… trying to-”

  


“Tom, how stupid do you think I am? You’ve never been interested in any occult, let alone bother me about it.”

 

“I-I’m not trying to exorcise anyone! I’m just curious!” Wow, barely even 4 sentences and he’s already raising his voice, that’s a new record.

 

“Look at me…” Tord stood and pulled the glasses off his face, “Look at me and tell me that you don’t want to exorcise someone. I’ve been studying topics like these for years and I’ll be damned if you’re only doing this for fun or something! If you really want my help, tell me! This is something I’ve anticipated for years…”

 

“I-I… ugh… okay, I’ll let you help, but I won’t tell you who it is yet.”

 

“And why is that?”

 

“Because I don’t want you to freak out! Look just… help me out and I’ll tell you later, I promise…”

 

The Norski stood there with his eyes narrowed. His pupils darted all over Tom's' face as if he was searching for signs of lies.

 

“Okay, fine. What do you want me to help with…?”

 

Tom perked up, he didn’t actually expect that to work.

 

“So… first of all, I need all the information you can give me. Books, websites, everything.” Tom tried to sound stern but ultimately failed. His voice cracked a little.

 

“Is that all?”  


“No, you’re coming with me to a church to exorcize. Or...Or however else we can do it.”

 

Tord raised his brows a little. They both knew that doing that would be dangerous. On an even worse note, they would have to spend time together. He let out an exhausted sigh.

 

“Fine. First of all, we’re gonna need a time and a place so I can teach you about this. And-” Tord planted both of his hands on Toms' shoulders. “-You’re going to be cooperative. You will obey what I say and you will not start a fight. I will stop helping you if you argue or fight with me. Do you understand?”

 

“I...y-yes…” Holy shit. How can someone speak so firmly yet so calmly? It’s unreal. Tord nodded in response and let his hands fall back to his sides. He turned away from Tom and walked to some wooden cabinets across the room, where he reached to the top of them and rummaged around. After a couple of seconds of searching, he pulled a dark purple hardcover book from between a folded tote bag and some boxed scented candles.

 

“This is just some old stuff…” He handed Tom the book, “This is an occultist journal. A friend and I wrote it in college. So, you can study it for now and get back to me when I have time to actually discuss this situation.” Tom met eyes with Tord for a moment, then nodded and gripped the book by his side.

 

“I’ll probably be finished by tonight.” And, without a goodbye, Tom twirled on his heel to walk out and back to his room. When he reached his room, he sat back on his bed and studied the cover of the journal. A golden imprint of a goat skull with a pentagram in the middle of its head sat above the words “Journal 3: Demons”. It was the only thing on the cover. He ran his fingers over it, how did Tord afford to make a real hardcover book with a golden fucking title in college?

 

He opened the cover to a table of contents.

 

_Chapter 1……………Introduction To Paranormal - 0 - 9_

_Chapter 2……………Demons - 9 - 22_

_Chapter 3……………Presence - 22 - 30_

_Chapter 4……………Types Of Demons - 30 - 59_

_Chapter 5……………Summoning - 59 - 82_

_Chapter 6……………Religion - 82 - 112_

_Chapter 7……………Possession - 112 - 146_

_Chapter 8……………Exorcism - 136 - 170_

_Chapter 9……………Common Mistakes/Misconceptions - 170 - 210_

_Chapter 10……………Deals - 210 - 243_

_Chapter 11……………Experiences - 243 - 268_

_Chapter 12……………FAQ - 268 - 292_

 

Well, this looked interesting. It was certainly hard to believe Tord and some other random person had written almost 300 pages of occult… along with two other books! He flipped to the next page to read.

 

“The paranormal. The very epitome of what makes life horrific. There are presences in this world, those who are cleansed with the tears of God and holy water have the pleasures of being blind to these presences. Those who have dirtied themselves with the blood of 100 goats have truly opened their eyes. Unholy, dirty people grace this planet and feel the presence of Satan. What is to be expected of us, filthy beings?”

 

Well… this isn’t what Tom had in mind when Tord gave him the book. He sighed and flipped pages until he found himself at chapter 8. Tord never specifically said he wanted Tom to read the whole book, did he? Well… if he was going to exorcise a demon, he probably needed to learn about them, first.

 

He flipped back to chapter 2 and sighed… maybe it’ll be interesting. Skipping the introduction couldn’t do much harm either, right?

 

“So, before we begin discussing demons, we need to learn about their origin. Often times, they are portrayed differently by each religion. No religion is right or wrong about what a demon is, they just have different beliefs. Religion doesn’t actually play a mandatory part in a demons existence. If you want to simplify it, a demon is just negative energy.”

 

It didn’t feel like much, but Tom ended up sitting and reading for almost two hours. He only realized how much he had actually read when he felt his phone vibrate for a Twitter notification. When he turned it on, he noticed the time and looked at where he left off… around the end of chapter seven. On the page, he noticed a sketch. A distressed woman with a demon whispering to her was on the bottom corner of the page with a caption.

 

“Those who have been possessed have reported demons whispering to them.” It read. An uneasy feeling settled in Toms stomach… now seemed like a good time to take a break.

 

He scanned the room for a bookmark, then sighed as there was nothing in sight, and substituted for it with a pencil. It didn’t work well, but it was better than nothing. His legs hurt as he stood and dragged himself to the kitchen. All that sitting made them cramp up, it seemed.

 

“Hungry…?” He heard Matt ask as he passed by the couch where the ginger sat.

 

“Starving. I didn’t get any breakfast…”

 

“Woah, what happened to your head…?”

 

“Wh- oh… I slipped earlier. Change the subject.” Tom ordered. It caught Matt slightly off guard, but the ginger rushed to find a new topic, anyways.

 

“Well, um… Edd said he wanted to take us out to dinner tonight… he found this new restaurant in the city.”  


“The city…? That’s like… an hour away…” Tom opened the fridge and let his body swing back with the door slightly. “What’s it called?”

 

“Believe it or not, it’s called New Trout… I think it revolves around seafood.”

 

“New Trout…? Sounds like a second, less creative Atlantis.” Tom stared into the fridge, before grabbing a single cucumber. “Seafood is pretty good though.”

 

“Eh… I don’t like the texture much… y’know how rubbery it is… yet so soft at the same time. It can taste pretty good, though.”

 

“Ugh, yeah. I like when Tord cooks it, to be honest.” He ran the cucumber under some water, then sat next to Matt. “He knows his way around a kitchen, I think.”

 

“...You’re only eating a cucumber?”

 

“Well, I don’t really know how to cook. Plus, at least it’s not something unhealthy.” He shrugged and took a big bite from the vegetable. “...Tord would probably judge me… and tell me I need meat or something. He thinks he’s so much better than me.”

 

“Tell me about it… he does the same to me… like, I went on a diet a few weeks ago, and he wouldn’t stop nagging me and telling me it’s unhealthy… but I try to look at it as if he was looking out for us, yknow…?”

 

“Oh, that actually makes sense.” Tom took another large bite, “To be honest, I kind of wanted to be friends with him in secondary school… but it was probably out of jealousy.” He snickered slightly. Opening up to Matt was never hard, he did it all the time as a kid. “He seems useful and whatnot.”

 

“He used to scare me. I remember, on my first day of secondary school, he was the first person I saw. Can you imagine? I’m excited to start my first year there, and the first thing I see is this big, scary, foreign man covered in clothes from… Hot Topic or something.”

 

Now, that was funny. Funny enough to make Tom lean forward to laugh,

 

“Tord wasn’t emo! Hot Topic-” He could barely manage a sentence without laughing, “Now you’re making me imagine him in a bloody lolita dress and stockings!” He missed this, it’d been a while since he’d laughed like this with a friend. Matt was laughing too, not as hard, but it still made Tom feel warm inside.

 

In fact, he probably wouldn’t have many more chances to chat with his roommates like this, he might as well make the most out of it. So, instead of going back to his book, he spent some more time with Matt. The fact that he had to literally catch up with someone he lived with was a little pathetic to him, though. Matt had been through a lot and Tom had missed so much of it because he spent so much time huddled up in his room. Maybe going to New Trout with Edd tonight wasn’t a bad idea after all.

 

Oh right... he was also supposed to get done reading by tonight, wasn’t he? It disappointed him a little, Matt was the only person he could ever really hold a conversation with, but now he had to stop talking for some stupid book.

 

“Hey, can I stop you there…?” Tom interrupted Matt while he was talking, “Look, I’ve had fun talking, but uh… I actually just remembered I have some work to finish… so…”

 

“Oh! Um, of course… you get back to that. I have a bit of my own work to get back to…”

 

“Sorry… I’ll see you tonight, I guess…” Tom stood and awkwardly gave Matt finger guns, “Stay...rad…” Rad…? What the fuck, Tom, it’s not the 90s. Ugh, whatever, that wasn’t worth obsessing over, he needed to get back to reading. Tom, once again, twirled on his heel and sprinted back to his room.

 

“Oh-” He was stopped in his tracks as he saw Tord, already sat on his bed, holding the journal, “...Hello, Tord…”

 

“Afternoon… sorry, I just wanted to see how far you got. Pretty impressive, I only expected you to read one chapter and be done.” Tord leaned forward slightly and crossed his legs, “You don’t have much reading left.”

 

“Well, that’s exactly what I figured you’d say. I only read the full book to spite you.” Well, that made him sound like a dumbass.

 

“Mhmm… You don’t have to read it all tonight, you know. How about you just finish the chapter about exorcisms and we’ll review it together at or after dinner.” Why did Tord always speak like a receptionist? Tom bet he made people uncomfortable with that… or maybe intimidated.

 

“Edd wanted to take us out to eat tonight.” Tom walked over and held out his hand. Tord raised an eyebrow at him, then placed the book in his hand.

 

“Ah, Perfect. A restaurant should keep your nerves down so you don’t make a scene whilst we discuss. You wouldn’t want to embarrass us while we’re in public, would you?” Tord mocked a sweet, innocent voice as he spoke. Tom’s lips twitched into an angry scowl.

 

“Fine. Now, leave so I can finish.” He growled as Tord stood.

 

“Easy there, tiger.” Was all the Norski said as he walked out.

 

“Sod off…” Tom muttered as he sat on the bed and opened the journal to the page that held his pencil.

 

Chapter 8, Exorcisms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowie! Sorry this chapter took so long to make, I got a little depressed and didn't really have the motivation to write, but it's finished now! Chapter 3 should hopefully be out in the same amount of time. Leave a comment if you liked this, it really helps me out and motivates me. Thank you for reading!


	3. Ecstasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the city, love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please notify me for any grammar and spelling mistakes so I can fix it! Thank you!

**_(TW: mentions of suicide, mentions of parent death, mentions of childhood abuse, mentions of anorexia, mentions of drugs and alcohol, mentions of violence, mentions of drug overdose)_ **

 

_ “I can help you…” It’s long, disgusting fingers caressed Tom’s cheek, “I can make them all love you… I’ll make you happy…” It leaned forward, “You just have to do one favour for me…” _

 

_ Tom quivered… what was this thing? How did it get here…? _

 

_ “W-what’s that…?” His stomach sank slightly. _

 

_ “Let me inside… shake my hand…” The creature's hand dropped from Tom’s face and hovered above his own hand, “Let me take control of you… I promise, child… you’ll be happy.” _

 

_ The air surrounding the creature was cold, Tom began to shiver as the beastly creature smiled. It didn’t have… lips, really. Its facial features were more like white glowing shapes overtop a black silhouette that was the creature's body. _

  
  


 

“An exorcism is a very powerful thing, it breaks the barrier of our human world so we can connect to the darkness. It baffles me that something as small and as weak as a human can tear past the field protecting us from hell.”

 

Tom wrinkled his nose as he read, he was barely a page into the chapter and it already sounded edgy. There were a couple of sketches on the page, one of which was a priest with no face holding a bible. Another was of a woman screaming as two men held her back.

 

One thing he noticed about this chapter was that it was divided into sections. The titles for each section was put in bold letters, then the actual writing came after. Most sections were about 6 paragraphs long, starting with the one titled “Overview”.

 

“ **OVERVIEW.** An exorcism is an act of banishing a demon from Earth. Commonly, people think of Catholic church exorcisms, but there is actually a variety of religions that will perform them. Some people have even attempted exorcisms by themselves. Most did not end well.”

 

So he could do it by himself? The line after made his stomach flip slightly, but that wouldn’t stop him. Maybe there would be a section about how to do it.

 

And to his satisfaction, there was…

 

...23 pages later, that is. Tom had spent so much time reading about religions, processes, theories, he had completely forgotten to look for anything about self exorcisms. Once he arrived at the section though, a small wave of excitement washed over him.

 

“ **TO EXORCISE YOURSELF.** The fact that some would rather perform an exorcism on themselves strikes me as odd, but who am I to question your motives? I have not performed an exorcism, nor do I know anyone who has, but self exorcisms have happened. Most of these exorcisms do not end well, as I said before. There are several reasons for this.

 

Reason 1. You need multiple people to exorcise. When an exorcism takes place, the demon will take full control of the body, causing the possessed person to grow violent and thrash about. Someone must hold them back and someone else must perform the exorcism.

 

Reason 2. The person performing the exorcism must be a powerful figure. When I say powerful, I mean someone whose eyes have been opened to the things most cannot see. I have opened my eyes and seen hell itself, therefore, I can perform an exorcism. I have already explained how to open your own eyes (chapters 3-5).”

 

Tord had seen demons…? If Tom didn’t have his own demon to think about, he probably would’ve called Tord barmey.

 

Just as he was about to continue, someone knocked on his door.

 

“Tom! Uh, Edd said he wanted to start driving now so we would get there earlier. Get ready!” It was from Matt. Wait, Edd wanted to leave now? He had more reading to do!

 

“What? Why now?!” Tom knew Edd probably wouldn’t change his plans for a simple book, but he at least wanted to know why.

 

“He said he wanted to browse the city for a bit… c’mon, it’ll be fun!”

 

“You’ve said that about so many things, Matt…” Tom stood from the bed and opened the door to see his roommate, who was already well dressed. “Plus, it’s only 1 PM…”

 

“Tom, it’s 5 o'clock…” Matt raised a brow and tilted his head in confusion. It seemed Tom had been reading for longer than he thought. “-And you look awful… tidy yourself up a bit… we barely get to go to the city.”

 

“Fine.” Tom sighed and shut the door gently, “Tell him I’ll be out in a minute.” He was getting tired of reading anyways. With a quick glance in his wall mirror, he realized Matt was right, he looked fucking homeless.

 

A speedy shower would’ve been nice since his skin looked greasy as fuck and his forehead still looked horrid.

 

He pulled his shirt and pants off, then looked at himself again. He had a bit of a beer gut, but the rest of him was thinner than paper due to him forgetting to eat often. He was just plain ugly. Of course, Tom was usually a little mean to himself, but this was a fact, he was ugly. He was nothing but a greasy faced, tired, slouching douchebag with bags under his eyes.

 

Well, with his daily dose of self-deprecation, he felt a little less miserable. Why did shit talking himself make him feel better? He had no idea, it probably had something to do with realizing he was shit. Would he do anything about it? No, but at least he acknowledged his bullshit.

 

Oh fuck, he was going to be late. Pushing his thoughts aside, Tom ran to his closet, pulled out his skinny jeans and Iron Maiden t-shirt, and yanked them on. Just as he was about to run out the door for his roommates, he remembered his mismatched fucking flip flops. 

 

“Ghh- fuck…” He swore under his breath as he did a 180 and bolted back over to his closet to get his socks and shoes, tripping slightly on the way. One of his flip flops fell off as he tripped, but he only saw that as convenient.

 

Once he had slipped into his checkered vans, he took a moment to collect himself. It was stupid, but he wanted to look like he didn’t care much, that was his usual demeanor, so why change that now? He glanced in the mirror once more, then tugged one sock up a little higher than the other. Satisfied with his look, he jogged out of his room and to the living room, where his three friends were idling.

 

“Finally.” Edd sighed and stood from the couch, “You have everything?”

 

“I don’t need anything other than myself,” Tom responded and dragged himself to the door. The other three just followed him.

 

“What happened to your head?” Edd looked at Toms' forehead as they entered the car. Tom only sighed and waved his hand as a sign for Edd to drop it.

 

Edd sat in the driver's seat since he was the only one who knew where to go. Matt sat in the passenger's seat because Edd didn’t feel like listening to Tord’s ramblings of Tom’s stupid arrogance or Tom’s ramblings about Tord’s bad habits.

 

Leaving the two to sulk in the back.

 

“...Sooo…” Tord didn’t look at Tom as he spoke, “Have you finished reading…?” and for some reason, Tord’s lack of eye contact pissed Tom off a little.

 

“Maybe you could look at me when we’re talking… you’re the one who’s always lecturing about respecting others.” He spat. Tord sighed and turned to look at down at the smaller male.

 

“Have you finished reading?” The Norwegian repeated,

 

“Almost. I got to the part about self exorcisms…”

 

“Good, good…” Tord lowered his voice slightly and leaned close to Tom, “Let’s discuss the rest in the city.” He smelled like rose water, which was actually a pretty soothing smell.

 

Tord always smelled nice. Well, that wasn’t really a secret, he was the best at taking care of himself. Edd never slept enough, Tom was… well, he was Tom, and Matt was always too busy or distracted to even pay attention to hygiene.

 

Tord was always trying to teach the others how to take care of themselves, but they always brushed it off as him judging them again. Of course, Tord was a little judgemental, but he would never purposefully try to hurt anyone other than Tom. Tords’ constant teasing actually did take a toll on him, but he would never show that.

 

Tom had cried over Tord, more than once. Tord was rarely harsh, but when he was, he knew exactly where to strike. Once, he screamed at Tom about how he was a failure of a person and if Edd didn’t kick him out, he would do it himself.

 

Tom legitimately feared for his safety that day, Tord had socked him in the gut after yelling, making him vomit on the carpet and on Tord’s shoes. It was a blur to Tom now, he could barely remember why Tord was yelling, but all he remembered was the horrible things the Norwegian screamed and the puke.

 

So, to pass the time he had in the car, he decided to daydream about that day.

  
  
  


“You do realize you’ll never find love if you keep sitting around like a useless nobody, you know. No one will ever love you, Tom.” Tord was stepping towards him, his voice quivering slightly, “You’re going to grow old and die alone because you never made the fucking effort to go outside and socialize.”

 

“W-well-” It was the first time Tom had no comeback, he was too awestruck at the raw venom in Tords’ voice,

 

“Shut up!” Tord cut him off before he could even get out a sentence, “You should just kill yourself, you know that, right? You’re already nothing but dead meat in a practical sense, who says it shouldn’t be literal?” Tord walked close and prodded Tom in the chest. Tom blinked back tears. Did Tord really want him dead…?

 

“I-I-” He began, only to be interrupted by Tord again,

 

“Why hasn’t Edd kicked you out yet…? We’re all lugging you around because we feel pitiful for your sorry ass! Maybe I’ll kick you out myself. How would you like that? How would you like me to shred your fucking Timmy bear into pieces and throw him out in the dirt as a parting gift?”

 

“H-His name is Tomme bear!”

 

“Quit personifying a stuffed animal! Oh, maybe if you would go outside and fucking talk to people, you wouldn’t need to resort to that!” Tord pulled back his fist, “Maybe you would be able to get a job too! Maybe other people wouldn’t have to pay your fucking rent!” He clenched his teeth, then swung his fist forward into Toms' stomach, making the brit stumble back a bit and hunch over in pain.

  
  
  


“Tom.”

 

Tom flinched as he heard his name being called.

 

Oh, it was just Edd. Tom glanced around the car, seeing Tord and Matt on the outside and Edd turning back to him from the drivers’ seat.

 

“We’re here.” He continued, then stepped out of the car with the other two. Tom nodded and glanced out his window, they were parked on the side of the street next to the city’s urban park.

 

The structure was pretty accessible for Tom since the park was basically a large square with sets of buildings surrounding it. In between the park and the buildings was the road where they parked.

 

He got out of the car and stretched, then followed Edd to the sidewalk.

 

“Okay, our reservation is at 8:00 PM.” Edd looked around at the others, “We have around an hour to browse around. So if any of you want to split off and do your own thing, feel free to do so, just meet back at the car at 7:45.”

 

“I kinda want to just… walk around for a bit.” Tom shrugged. He felt a small tap on his arm, then looked over at Tord, who winked at him. Oh, so Tord wanted to use this time to talk about the book? Well, there goes his alone time.

 

“I’ll be on my own too,” Tord mumbled. Wow, he was a pretty good liar.

 

Then, they all split up. Tord quickly walked into the city park, Tom walked to the other side of the park so Edd and Matt wouldn’t see them walk together. There wasn’t much harm in them seeing, but it still made Tom anxious for some reason.

 

Once Edd and Matt were both out of sight, Tom waved to Tord, who made a gesture for him to run over. The park was fucking huge, so it took Tom a bit to jog over, he was pretty sure he burned a few calories too.

  
Tord had been climbing one of the park trees, and now sat on one of the thickest branches.

 

“Cheerio...” Tom greeted, slightly out of breath.

 

“C’mon up.” Tord patted another branch in front of the one he sat on. They would be facing each other if Tom sat there.

 

“...How?” Tom stared at the tree, he didn’t even know how to climb to the top shelf, let alone a tree. Tord only shrugged in reply.

 

Tom groaned loudly and grabbed onto a branch, then placed his foot on the thickest part he could find. While he was pretty lithe, pulling himself up to Tord was a challenge considering his lack of exercise. It took a few moments, but he eventually managed to pull himself onto the branch across Tord.   
  


“Ugh… why are we on a bloomin’ tree?” Tom wrinkled his nose and tried to keep his balance, Tord shrugged again.

 

“I felt like being up here. I like climbing things.”

 

“Weirdo… also, I almost finished the last chapter.”

 

“Good. Are you going to tell me who you want to exorcise now?” Tom felt his stomach twist slightly. Tord would probably refuse to help if he told him.

 

“Uh… no, let’s plan things out first.”

 

“Plan?”   
  


“Yeah… we’re gonna need to go to a church or something, right? Or… do you want to try an exorcism at home…?”

 

“Okay, okay, Tom.” Tord placed a hand on Tom’s shoulder, “You’re moving a little too fast. I need you to tell me who needs an exorcism and I’ll see what I can do. Remember, I told you to cooperate.”

 

Tom’s could hear his own heartbeat in his ears… maybe Tord would be okay with it since he’s wanted to witness a demon for so long. Hell, this could even be a chance to intimidate Tord for once. He would have smirked at that thought if he wasn’t so damn nervous.

 

“...O-Okay just… b-be patient with me for a moment. I-I need to think about this.” Tom’s breathing became uneven as words failed to form in his mouth. He looked up at Tord, expecting a look of impatience, but instead, he saw sympathy.

 

“...Hey.” Tord’s voice was softer than ever, it almost made Tom stop breathing altogether, “Just relax, okay? It’s only me.” He sounded so reassuring but it only caused Tom more anxiety. “I’ve been there before… anxiety sucks balls, right?”

 

Tom hesitated for a moment and thought about what Tord had just said. Of course, anyone could have anxiety, but Tord? Tord, the big, strong, mighty man who dislocated Tom’s ankle twice with just his hands?

 

Tom had lived with anxiety all his life. It was the reason he would break down and get overwhelmed so easily, amongst other mental illnesses and disorders. But the thought of Tord in his position was almost too ridiculous to believe… at least Tord could relate to him.

 

“Y-Yeah… it does.”

 

“I used to have medicine for it, but after a bit, I learned to deal with it myself. I only keep them around for panic attacks.” Tord even had panic attacks too. Tom wondered if Edd and Matt knew about this.

 

“So, it wasn’t like… daily meds?”

 

“No, it was just for when I got anxious.”

 

“Cool… I, uh… I don’t have medicine.”

 

“...We’re getting off topic, Tom. This talk might… reassure or calm you. Talking about my anxiety calms me too… talking to people to distract myself works in general for me. But for now, we need to focus on our main problems, and I know the question makes you anxious, but… I need to know before we start planning things… why don’t we try this…” Tord held up three of his fingers, “I’m going to count down from three, and when I get to one, I want you to tell me who it is. Don’t think about it, just say it. Say it as if… as if you’re just saying a name and nothing more. I’m not even here, you just want to say that name.”

 

Maybe this could actually work. Not thinking about things was what Tom was the best at. Of course, those things would always come back later, though.

 

“Okay… fine.” Tom took a breath in and waited for Tord to begin.

 

“Three…” He let one finger fall, “Two…” Another finger fell, “One.” He was left with his fist in the air.

 

“Me.” Tom squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to see Tord, “It’s me.”

 

Tord went silent for a few moments, then spoke up again, his voice quiet.

 

“You.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“How did I not see it…” Tord was strangely calm, apart from sounding… a little awestruck.

 

“I knocked myself out this morning at therapy because the… thing was trying to… take control, I guess.”

 

“You knocked yourself out?!” Tord raised one brow and leaned a little close to stare at Tom, “I thought you just banged your head a bit! Do you have a concussion or something?”

 

Tom shrugged a bit. His well being wasn’t much of a concern to himself, he wasn’t really worth preserving, was he?

 

“I dunno. Probably not.”

 

“...We should get you some attention for that tomorrow.” Tord looked out at the park for a moment and watched a small boy, about five years old, pushing his younger sister into the park fountain, then turned back to Tom. “Uh… tell me more about the demon. He said he wanted to fix your life, right? Tell me what he tried to fix and how.”

 

“It first possessed me when I was eleven years old. I’ll admit, it looked quite dodgy. Obviously, I didn’t say yes right away, but I was pretty desperate so… don’t blame me. Anyways, I had a shitty childhood and it said it would fix my life. My parents had shitty income and could barely raise me right, I was basically left to steal bread rolls from the bakery down the street while my parents applauded and let me have like… one-fourth of the roll and keep the rest for themselves. They sorta used me as a way out of issues, so it was always their sake before mine. Then my dad shot himself when I turned nine. My mum became angry because of that and would take it out on me. She pushed me down the stairs, made me lick toilet seats when I was naughty, told me I was the reason he died, pretended to shoot me with guns to scare me-” He stopped, realizing he said way too much.

 

Tord’s brows were tightly pulled together in a… concerned sadness while his hands were clasped together in front of his lips.

 

“Go on, Tom. I’m listening.” He was pulling that professional tone again, perhaps to make Tom feel more comfortable as if he was just trying to understand the demon.

 

“...Well,” Tom’s voice cracked slightly, but he quickly cleared his throat and started again, “Well, I got bullied at school. I stopped caring about my own well being because of them and my mum. I didn’t care if she hit me anymore, so I would steal whatever food I could find and ended up turning to over eating in order to cope. I became a chubby kid, which caused more teasing. Then that demon came along and began talking to me and telling me what he was going to do. I let him take control.”

 

Tord pulled his lips into a thin line and nodded. Tom blushed a little, time to blurt out his most humiliating and shameful moments.

 

“Uh… it made me starve myself and told me everyone would love me if I was thin. If I went a full day without food, it would reward me by… giving me this weird high. It felt really good but stopped after a bit. It… was almost an orgasmic sensation.” His cheeks heated up, why did he always feel the need to add details like that? “It made me give all the bread to my mum, along with finding other food to steal for her. She began to praise and love me again, but I think she only kept me around to get her food because she gave me enough to just barely survive. After that, I got angry at this one kid because he kept teasing me for being poor and thin. I got so mad, dude. People hated me fat, people hated me thin, it didn’t make sense to me. So, the demon… came out for the first time. It made me stronger and it wanted me to intimidate the others, so it made me beat his arse. I slammed his head on concrete until his skull shattered, then it made me snog him, for some reason. I’m not even sure why.”

 

“Snog?”   
  
“Oh, right… snog means kiss. Erm… it’s British slang.”

 

“Wow, that’s… a pretty horny demon right there.” Tord snorted.

 

“Hey, it’s not like we don’t have evidence for that.” This was nice… Tord wasn’t lingering on any subjects that upset him. Obviously, he didn’t want to talk about his mum, but it’s not like comfort would make him feel any better. They had an objective, there was no use trying to think about the abuse now.

 

“Ah-” Tord glanced down at his phone, “It’s almost 7:35. Want to start heading back?”

 

“Uh, yeah. I’ll tell you some more on our way.” Tom shifted a bit, then stared down at the tree, “Ok, now how the fuck do I get down?”

 

Tord shuffled over to the trunk of the tree, wrapped his arms around it, and put his feet on some lower branches. The tree was relatively small, they were only about seven or eight feet in the air, so it didn’t take more than half a minute for him to be on the ground again.

 

Tom attempted to copy him but ended up dropping and stumbling back a bit.

 

“Man, why did you want to talk in a fucking tree…?” Tom huffed and brushed himself off a bit.

 

The two began heading across the park.

 

“Tell me how you think the demon got worse.”

 

“Well, after I botched that kid’s head, I began to hate who I was. I was this… freak with ribs that showed and who everyone was scared of. So, in my teenage years, I tried to ignore the demon by... indulging myself in drugs and alcohol.”

 

“Like pot?”

 

“Worse. While I did smoke pot, I also spent a lot of time injecting shit and occasionally snorting stuff. I barely remember those years of my life because I spent day and night drugged out or hungover. I ended up overdosing on ecstasy and had to be taken to the hospital. It, uh, gave me hyperthermia, actually. So, I was taken to rehab. I guess the demon was sorta pissed because I had ignored it for so long… so now his main goal is to make my life as hellish as possible.”

 

Tord just wordlessly nodded as they stopped beside the car. Edd and Matt hadn’t arrived yet, so the two leaned on the wall of one of the shops and waited for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got uploaded far before I expected to upload it! I'm pretty proud of myself for that.
> 
> I know what you're probably thinking, this chapter was pretty focused on the characters actions rather than feelings. I know. I try to keep each chapter around 3800 words. The minimum is 3500 and the maximum is around 4000 words (with acceptions, like important chapters) so writing about their thoughts was kind of hard since it would be too long.
> 
> I spent a pretty long time proofreading this, so I hope I haven't written the word "he" or "him" and "tom" too much. I mostly just looked over for spelling and grammar mistakes.
> 
> If you can, please try to comment and give feedback about what you did and didn't like about this chapter! It really helps me out and motivates me!
> 
> If you think there is anything I can improve on, please let me know!


	4. New Trout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a drop of wine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please notify me for any grammar and spelling mistakes so I can fix it! Thank you!

_“M-my mommy loves me…” Tom shied away from its hand._

 

_“When has she ever told you she loves you when you haven’t stolen something for her? It’s her way of keeping you a criminal.”_

 

_“...What if this doesn’t work…?”_

 

_“Trust me, young one… it will…”_

 

_Toms' ears began to ring… his heartbeat seemed to overpower the rest of his senses… everything he heard was blurred out except for his steady beating heart… he could feel it pulsing in his fingertips._

 

_“You don’t have a choice…” It growled. Tom felt his hand move, although he wasn’t the one moving it… but he didn’t care… he was going to be loved, right…?_

 

“...I’ll be honest, Tom” Tord turned his head to face Tom. “I’ve never pictured you to be a junkie. I’ve only ever seen you as an alcoholic.” The Norwegian crossed his arms.

  
Tom blinked. They were still talking? He had completely forgotten about everything and ended up focusing on how charming the street saxophone player sounded.

 

“Oh, uh… yeah.” Was all he could respond with since he had barely heard Tord.

 

That was another thing people (especially Tord), judged Tom on: his ability to zone out of a conversation randomly. Of course, Tord wouldn’t mention it now, would he?

 

“Why are you always spacing out?”

 

Well, shit.

 

“Uh, ADHD.” Tom straightened his posture. Fidgeting a little usually helped him zone back in. “People ask me about that a lot. I should’ve been medicated a long time ago but… I have money issues. Before you tell me to get a job, trust me, I’ve tried.” At this point, Tom knew to just keep talking or else he’d be judged again, so he attempted to explain everything before Tord could even form his opinion on him. “I dropped out before I even got to college and I can’t finish schooling because of a number of reasons. Also, I’ve been arrested a few times. I used to steal from markets and convenience shops in high school.”  
  
“So, there’s a lot I don’t know about you, huh?”  
  
There was. In fact, Tom left out so many bits and pieces of his explanation when he was retelling his life. There were things that others shouldn’t know about, especially people he lived with. Some things weren’t even that bad, just embarrassing.

 

Thinking about it now, he didn’t know much about Tord, did he? A few snippets of his life was all he ever got to hear.

 

By the end of secondary school, the two were actually on good terms for a bit. Then Tom and Matt kissed (with tongue!) in the bathroom as an experiment and Tord caught them. He didn’t have any crush on Matt, the two just wanted to know what french kissing felt like. Tord never held the same friendship with either of them after that. Tord was cold and angry and shoved tom away. At first, Tom suspected Tord was homophobic and cried about it for a few hours but later heard him bragging about a guy he shagged with at a party and got confused. In fact, he never got a full answer for what happened to Tord.

 

So, their relationship started out rocky, grew smoother, then fell off a cliff.

 

“Guys!” A loud, familiar voice pierced Toms thoughts. Again, it was Matt, screaming as he bolted down the sidewalk. “Are we late! Let’s go! I’m starving! Where’s the place?!” Tom wondered what it’d be like to kiss Matt now.

“Stop hollering!” Tom whipped around to where he thought Matt would be standing, “I’m right here!”

 

Matt wasn’t even close to Tom. He was actually considerably far away. Everything just seemed a little louder to Tom at the moment.

 

“Pardon?!” Matt screamed as he reached Tom and Tord.

 

“Just… nevermind.” Tom muttered through gritted teeth. He hated when things became loud. It filled his ears and gave him sensory overloads.

 

“Okay, well… while we wait for that slowpoke, Edd, why don’t you punch in the directions to the place?” Matt leaned in a little too close for Toms comfort, but he wouldn’t comment. He never comments on things that make him uncomfortable.  
  
“Matt,” Edd put his hand on Matts’ shoulder. How did he get here so fast? “We don’t need directions. It’s just around the block.”

 

The distance to the restaurant wasn’t far at all like Edd said. Once the four entered the building, the scent of something delicious was the first thing to hit them. Fish was one of Tom’s favourite dishes. When people first meet him, they usually see him as the type who eats cheese on toast and nothing else, but he’s far from picky. He’ll eat anything, edible or not. Which meant he ended up trying to eat rocks once after snorting coke.

 

The smell made him realize how hungry he actually was. Did he even eat anything today? He never remembered to eat. Gathering what he read online, he suspected it was an ADHD thing.

 

It was a tropical-themed restaurant with wooden and stone walls. Nature and plants were in every corner, along with a miniature waterfall flowing down a wall next to the bar. It was sweet and even calming.

After Edd had confirmed their reservation at the front counter, they were brought to their table. Tom smiled as he realized Edd had scored them a booth. It felt like ages since he smiled. He never wanted that smile to leave his face, so he turned to Tord.  
  
“Let’s uh… let’s take a break… from all that exorcism stuff, I mean.” He whispered as he sat. Tord sat next to him since he figured they’d be chatting quietly.

 

“Oh? Why?”  
  
“Well, we’re out… I haven’t had a good night in a while, so I want to make this special, I guess. We can talk about it when we’re home so we don’t have to risk anything with Edd and Matt.”

 

Tord went silent for a moment. It’s at times like these where Tom just likes to stare at him and try to figure out what’s going through his head.

 

“Okay.” Was the only response he earned. Responses like those made him anxious and angry. Give him something more, prick. He wanted to fucking talk.

 

Maybe Tord didn’t want to talk to him. Maybe he was just socializing with Tom because he was interested in the demon part of it.

 

“...Sooo…” Tom struggles to find words. He didn’t know a thing about Tord or what his interests revolved around, “What’s your favourite video game?”

 

“Hm?” Tord looked at him. He looked genuinely confused, “Me?” he pointed to himself.

“Who else, jackass?” Rude again. It’s not like he wanted to be rude to Tord, it just happened.

 

“Erm, well… I like old games. Stuff you’d see on a Nintendo 64 or something.”

 

“Classic gamer?” Tom smirked slightly. They had a similar interest. Tom loved his video games, they were like his digital escape. If he wasn’t playing one, he would be watching a playthrough. His favourite to watch was the Game Grumps, it felt like a podcast with some gaming footage. The best part was that Tom actually felt like he was part of the conversation sometimes and he wasn’t just a lonely, sad man who had no real friends to talk to.

 

“I suppose.” Tord’s eyes drifted away from Tom and to some furniture near him, “I don’t play them that often.”

 

“So, what do you do in your free time?”

 

“Reading, sketching… just general things. I have my hobbies, but I’m not sure about free time.”

 

“Tell me about your hobbies.” Tom raised a brow, he didn’t expect to get anywhere with this conversation but it was actually kind of nice to just talk to Tord. Thinking about it now, Tom realized he knew practically nothing about Tord since they never spoke.  
  
“I go to the gym and jog sometimes… and I play the piano.”

 

Before Tom could ask more questions, the waitress arrived. Her hair was pulled back into a tight bun and she wore a large, toothy smile.

 

“Evening, how are we all tonight? I’m Deliah and I’ll be serving you today.”

 

“Hello!” Matt chirped, only getting a small wave from Deliah. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pen and notebook,

 

“Can I get you started with some beverages?”

 

Tom looked at Tord and Tord looked at him. Tord’s eyes said ‘Not the alcohol’ and Tom’s said ‘Please’. They stared at each other for a few more moments while Edd excitedly asked for cola.

 

“May I please have some Aglianico wine? Glass, please.” Matt smiled. Tom began to pout at that. So Matt could have alcohol and he couldn’t? That's bullshit!

 

“It’ll only be a little… just some wine? Even Matt’s getting wine!”

 

Tord narrowed his eyes, then sighed,

 

“Only one glass. You said you wanted a good night, so make it one you can actually remember.”

 

Tom smiled widely and nodded. The fact that he had convinced Tord to let him drink made him happier than the actual drink. Well, why was he even looking to Tord for approval? He was his own man! More importantly, why is he even arguing about this in his head? Tord let him drink, and he’ll drink, and that's all there is to it.  
  
“I’ll have Aimé Roquesante wine by the glass too.” He looked at Deliah, who nodded and scribbled it down.

 

“And I’ll have the same as him.” Tord pointed to Tom.

 

Deliah nodded one last time and scribbled one more thing down. She looked at the four and grinned again, 

 

“It’ll be right out. Would you like some bread rolls with that?”

 

Matt slammed his hands down on the table,

 

“I’ll be damned if I don’t get those rolls.” He playfully growled, then looked back up at her and smiled, “Please.”

 

She giggled and jotted it down, then turned to leave. Tom wondered if that smile she wore was fake, maybe the owners forced her to smile. Didn’t they do that at Disney world?

 

“What’re you planning to order?” Tord turned back to Tom, who shrugged in response.

 

“Probably fish or a salad or something. The salmon dish looks good here.”

 

“I didn’t know you liked fish…?” Tord glanced over and closed his menu. “I’m going to get steak and soup. The cheddar ale looks nice.”

 

“Cheddar ale is literally just melted cheese and ale.” Tom rolled his eyes. He was...actually conversing with Tord for once… just a regular conversation. He could feel that little fucking tickle in his stomach that always grew into anxiety but he tried to suppress it… he couldn't ruin this, not tonight. All he had to do was not overthink this… it’s just a conversation.

 

“No, not this one. It has a bit more to it… some greens, onion, nice seasoning.”

 

Tom let out a shaky “Hm…”. It’s not that he wasn’t interested in what Tord had to say, he was just so deep in thought, trying not to freak out. Tord sat silently for a moment, then, with a quick glance at Toms shirt, he perked up.

 

“You like Iron Maiden?”

 

Now, this was something Tom was actually good at talking about, he had been passionate about his music since the beginning of time. There was no way he could fuck this up. Every time he spoke about music he ends up rambling on and on until he’s just mumbling his own thoughts to himself, forgetting he was ever in a conversation.

 

“Uhm… I um… y-yeah…” Fucking seriously? Usually, when he spoke about something he loved, he could ramble for hours but now he found himself stuck. “M-Metal...I like it. Um… I like metal.” He couldn’t form a proper fucking sentence. Stupid, stupid, stupid Tom! He was such a fucking idiot. He turned away from Tord, “I need a sec…” He muttered and began beating himself up in his own head. He was a fucking cock-up. A proper fucking rat arsed bastard!

 

With those insults established, he turned back to Tord and forced a small grin, “Sorry. I had to uh… collect myself.” Tord only nodded in response,

 

“I like metal too… I’m mostly into old rock like Rush, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd…” Tord’s eyes trailed to the side as he spoke. He really was a hypocrite, wasn’t he? It’s a given that people lose focus when listing things off, but it was only now that Tom realized how many things Tord did that Tom was usually scolded for. “You have any favourite genres?”

 

“Eh… I like everything… I’ve been listening to a ton of nu-metal lately, though. Mostly Korn, y’know?”

 

“Oh, I used to fucking love Korn.” Tord smirked, “I don’t have a favourite genre, myself, but I mostly gravitate towards the rock side of things. Like, pop and vaporwave shit is kinda boring to me… classic music is what I stick to.”

 

“Sounds rad… do you like to study music?” Tom leaned back in his chair and tried to relax. In his mind, he was screaming at himself to forget he was talking to Tord, maybe forgetting would ease him up a bit. Being so distracted by his own head, Tom forgot to actually let the Norsk answer his question and just continued talking. “I like studying music. I’ve been trying for years to make a band or music… since I have no money or a job, though, I have no music programs or anything.”

 

“What about your bass?”

 

“There’s only so much you can do with a bass, dude. Obviously, it can make some tunes and shit but a song with only one instrument is just… bad.”

 

Before Tord had a chance to reply, Delilah arrived with their drinks.

 

She placed Matts glass of wine in front of him first, then proceed with Tom and Tord’s wine, and ended with a can of coke and a glass full of ice in front of Edd.

 

“And what can I get you all to eat?” She smiled widely, specifically at Tom. Tom awkwardly tried to smile back but ended up twitching a bit and looking away to avoid embarrassment.

 

“I’ll take the filet mignon, medium rare, with a side of the cheddar ale,” Tord said without looking up from his menu.

 

“Fried calamari with marinara sauce, please.” Matt managed to keep eye contact with Delilah for his entire order. How the hell does he do that?

 

“Uhh… right, how about the Fettuccine Alfredo… can I get a side of grilled artichoke with that?”

 

“Of course.” Delilah beamed as she scribbled down the orders. Then she turned to Tom, “And for you?”

 

“Uhh…” Tom’s mind went blank. What did he want to get again? Shit… he looked back down at his menu for answers. He was holding their order up… shit shit shit.

 

THERE! He wanted salmon!

 

“B-Baked- I mean- grilled salmon with broccoli and roasted potatoes, please!” He spat out the whole order in one breath.

 

“Sorry, could you repeat that?” She kept a warm smile on her face. Fucking hell, he spoke too fast.

 

“I-...” Tom stopped, took a deep breath, and read from the menu again. “...the grilled salmon with broccoli and roasted potatoes on the side, please…”

 

She nodded, scribbled it down, and turned to leave, “It’ll be right out,” The click of her high heels against the floor was kind of calming to Tom.

  
Tom stared at the pink liquid in front of him. His favourite colour had and always will be blue, but sometimes pink can be so comforting. It’s a soft, inviting colour that makes Tom feel better. It’s even an appetizing colour. Seriously, Google “milkshake clipart” and it’s guaranteed you’ll get pictures of the classic pink milkshake with whipped cream and a cherry. Baby pink, specifically. Hot pink is harsh, in Tom’s opinion.

 

He picked up the glass and went for a sip, but before he could bring it to his lips, he glanced at Tord, who nudged him.

 

“To bravery, resistance, occult, and all the horrendous things we may see on this journey…” The Norwegian whispered and held up his glass, to which Tom clinked his own glass, then took a small sip. The taste of the bittersweet liquid stung as it traveled down his throat… he couldn’t ask for anything more. Once he pulled the glass away from his mouth, he looked around the restaurant and took in his surroundings.

 

A sinking feeling gently settled in the bottom of Tom’s stomach. He didn’t know why his mental illnesses decided to prod at him right now, but it was… terrible. It was a fast buildup… one second he was fine, the next he was breathing heavily and gripping his glass tightly. He took a long gulp of his drink, hoping to filter the feeling out a bit, but it only got worse. His ribs hurt and his heart rate began slowly increasing. Everything became a bit louder in his ears. God fuck…

 

“Tord…” He gasped and looked at the other, “...I-I think I’m going to have a panic attack… a-and I don’t fucking know why…”

  
Tord stared at him blankly for a moment, then put his hand on his shoulder, his face still devoid of much emotion besides… surprise, maybe? Tom couldn’t really tell, his eyes were wide but his lips were pulled into a straight line.

 

“Do you need to go to the restroom to calm down? I can come with…”

 

Tom thought about that. This was care… Tord was caring for him, it seemed. He knew what care felt like, he felt it before… Tord was trying to take care of him.

 

“Yeah, I- uh… I think I do.” Tom stood. His hands quivered slightly, but the rest of his body was stiff. Tord stayed seated, then leaned over the table slightly and tapped Edd’s shoulder.

 

“I’m going to quickly take Tom outside, he needs some air.”

 

Matt pursed his lips and raised a brow.

 

“I can do that…? Tom usually comes to me when he n-”

 

“Not necessary, Matt. We’ll be on our way now.” He stood with Tom, who was looking a little pale now and grabbed him by the hand.

 

As pathetic as it is, Tom’s cheeks heated up at the contact. His hand… was in someone else’s… his palm was against someone else’s. It’s no surprise that he was touch starved. Even though he occasionally took some people home from the bar and had some fun nights, no one really ever held his hand. Hell, it’s been almost 7 fucking years since he’s kissed anyone. He’s kissed body parts, obviously, but oral sex doesn’t count as kissing in his opinion.

 

Before he could even realize what was happening, he was being yanked away from the table and towards the door.

 

“I thought-” His voice was dry and cracked a bit, so he swallowed, “...I thought we were going to the bathroom?”

 

“Fresh air is better,” Tord replied so statically. Tom figured he must’ve planned out everything he was going to say… but the guy replied so quick! It only made sense that he took speech classes or something… well, it’s not like Tom ever got to live a life ADHD-free, so how could he know what it’s like for anyone else?

 

Tom couldn’t remember going out the door with Tord, but he could remember giggling weirdly as they stumbled onto the sidewalk. He usually giggled when he was confused, dissociating, and, on occasion, physically hurt. Tord wasn’t in any sort of panic, he was calm, like always. In fact, if Tom had a penny for every time he saw that guy’s eyes widen, he’d be in debt. The Norwegian leaned against the wall next to the door of the restaurant and kept his grip on Toms' hand, not that Tom noticed.

 

“Ahh…” Tom started, “What the fuck just happened?” He leaned against the wall, “Do you have any water by the way? My throats uh… dry.”

 

Tord shook his head, “No water, sorry.” He looked down at their hands, still tightly gripped together, but didn’t pull his hand away. Instead, he looked up at Tom, “...Do you need me to hold your hand?”

 

Tom had forgotten about the hand-holding until then. It was kind of nice to have a hand to hold during an episode… but it was still Tord’s hand. Well, fuck it, it’s been too long since he’s had a smidge of emotional support in the past… well… lifetime.

 

“...No homo.” Was all Tom said and leaned on the wall next to Tord and tried to catch his breath.

 

“I got it…” Tord nodded and let his head fall to the side, “Does this happen often?”

 

“Yeah, I guess my body just doesn’t know what to do with all my trauma and just expels that shit at random.” Tom studied the people around them, a lot of them looked too normal for his tastes. “A lot of people don’t understand dissociation. It sucks, man… it gives me fucking anxiety.”

 

“...Did you take your medication this morning…?”

 

Tom went quiet for a moment, then let his hand slide out of Tords grip.

 

“...Shit...FUCK!” He screamed, put his hands over his face, and crouched down, “FUCKING DICK SHIT ASS SHIT PISS COCK!” And with a deep breath, he shrieked the word that always got shitty tastes out of his mouth, “CORNBREAD! FUCKING CORNBREAD! I FORGOT MY FUCKING MEDICINE!” He lifted a hand from his face and peered at all the people in the park. A little girl was staring at him while her mother tried to pull her away. She probably thought he was some hobo on drugs having a panic attack.

 

“...Tom,” Tord began, but Tom put a hand up as they did in therapy to shut him up.

 

“...Today was hard…” He began, his voice was shaking, “...And...and usually, I’m fucking glad when I find the cause of it… the cause of why it’s so shitty… but it feels so bitter right now. It feels like the world just fucking punched me in the face three hours ago and refused to tell me why until now. It feels like the world is being fucking petty.” He stood back up and stared at Tord with his brows pulled tightly together, “Do you get me…?”

 

“I get you.” Tord looked back into the restaurant, “Edd texted me just now. Our food arrived. You can hold my hand if you want.”

 

“...I...I would but like… that’s awkward…” Tom stuffed his hands in his pockets. He liked how Tord just moved on from subjects. He didn’t linger to ask Tom if he was okay when he obviously wasn’t. Of course, it’s good to be asked that once in a while… but right now, Tom would rather just eat. He felt like a burden when people stopped to care about him. No one ever cared about him in his childhood and receiving care now just felt weird. Like he didn’t deserve it. Well, that is what his mom told him as a kid.

 

_“You haven’t earned my love yet, you cheeky, rotten nitwit!”_

 

He shivered at the thought of her shrill voice.

 

“...Come on, Tom.” Tord opened the restaurant door, “We don’t have to hold hands, but if you need something, tell me.”

 

“Why are you being so nice to me…?” Tom narrowed his eyes as he passed Tord and reentered New Trout,

 

“Because I know what anxiety is like, Tom.” Tord followed closely behind Tom, “I had a lot of anxiety in high school.”

 

Their food was already on the table. Matt was definitely making the most of his marinara and shoving every squid ring into his dip like it would be the last marinara dip he would ever eat. Edd had his eyes closed as he twirled his fork in his pasta and shoved it into his mouth. It actually got Tom kind of excited, seeing how much the others liked their food… his food would hopefully be just as good.

 

The two sat down in front of their dishes and glanced at each other, then back at their food. The aroma of their food was amazing.

 

“Thanks…” Tom whispered and slipped his hand into Tords under the table, to which Tord gave his hand a quick squeeze as if to reply “You’re welcome.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOWIE! IT'S BEEN A WHILE, HUH, GUYS? 
> 
> I'm so so so so so sorry for the long wait! Life has been dreadfully hard lately and I've had little motivation to get out of bed really. Seriously, I go to bed at 0300 and wake at like 1500.
> 
> Hopefully, the next update comes out quicker than this. I had a lot of writer's block during this, so future chapters are hopefully more interesting.
> 
> Leave a comment about what you liked and didn't like, it really helps me and motivates me! Thank you!


	5. Peculiar Connections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiss me like we're young.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please notify me for any grammar and spelling mistakes so I can fix it! Thank you!

**_(TW: mentions of suicide, mentions of parent death, mentions of childhood abuse, mentions of alcoholism)_ **

 

So, dinner was a success for the most part. Tom managed the whole dinner without another panic attack. Tord was barely even teasing him, which was nice, of course, although it confused Tom. Tord wasn't satan himself, but the fact that he helped Tom and held his fucking hand was baffling. Plus, he didn't even comment on Tom's lack of eye contact or his poor communication skills.

 

Tom decided to shrug all that off for now. He instead focused on the cannoli that was set in front of him. It wasn't as tightly wrapped as most cannoli he'd seen, which was weird, but he just assumed it was an Italian thing.

 

"Oh, Tom. Isn't it just the most gorgeous and scrummy dessert you've ever seen?" Matt squealed as he dug his fork into Tom's cannoli. Matt hadn't gotten any dessert, so Tom decided to be kind for once and share with him.

 

"Yeah, uh… real beautiful, Matt." Tom raised a brow. He didn't get why Matt used words like gorgeous to describe food, so he decided to tease Matt about it instead. "It's the sexiest cannoli I've seen in a while."

 

"PFFT-" Matt snorted and covered his face, "You're hilarious, Tom." He purred shoved the cannoli in his mouth. Tom wasn't even trying to be funny. He used to make everyone in the house laugh when he was younger without even lifting a finger. He sighed to himself, thought about the good times, and took a bite of cannoli.

 

Edd paid for the dinner, as usual. He usually paid for most things. Tom was broke, Tord often didn't offer to pay, and Matt just expected Edd to pay for everything, so he never offered either.

 

"Y'know, guys," Edd glanced at Tom from the side, "We could stay out late tonight. I don't have work tomorrow."

 

"Why not?" Tord crossed his arms and leaned back in the chair, obviously ready to get up and get the fuck out.

 

"I-...don't work on the weekend, Tord? You should know this by now. Anyways, I've thought that we could spend some more time in the park."

 

"Hey, yeah!" Matt piped up, "Tord can teach us how to climb trees."

 

There wasn't much of a fight if they should stay or not. Tom liked the fresh air, so he didn't push to go home. He was kind of liking being sober, but then again, the itch was there. It was rooted in his throat. A bit of whiskey ought to do the job to scratch the itch. Tord forced him to keep his flask at home, unfortunately.

 

"T-Tom! Tom! Watch me! Look, look!" Matt called from the tree. Tord was sat on a branch next to Matt. The ginger hooked his legs around the branch and leaned back, so his calves were the only thing keeping him from plummeting and hitting his head on the grass.

 

Why was Matt even trying to impress Tom?

 

"I'm not paying for your hospital bills, Matt! Not saying I care if you fall or not, just know I won't be paying." Matt's smile fell a bit as Tom spoke. Again, Tom wasn't trying to be nasty; it just slipped out. "Uh… I-I mean… like… I would care, I'd probably just be pissed." Tom gritted his teeth in disgust with himself. Was that seriously the best he could fucking do? He sounded like a fucking loser! "...Sorry." Tom mumbled and looked at his feet, "I-It's great, you look cool like that…"

 

Apologizing wasn't too terrible. Especially with Matt. It's not like those two hadn't practically shoved their tongues down each other's throats in secondary school. He knew Matt a lot better than the rest of them; they'd been the most intimate with each other. They experimented constantly. Sleepovers were more like one night stands for them. Technically, he was still a virgin, but he took Matt's virginity. The only time he was the bottom was when Matt wanted to experiment more with oral.

 

"Oh- um… thanks." Matt smiled widely. Maybe Matt had a crush on him. Is that why he was trying to impress Tom? Now that Tom thought about it, Matt did try to get his attention often.

 

So, being the idiot he was, Tom decided to hoist himself up onto a branch,

"Nngh-... h-hey Matt-" He huffed as he pulled himself onto the branch and held on tightly, now sitting on it as if he was on a horse. "Do you like me?" Smooth, Tom. Real smooth.

 

"Of course I like you. We've been roommates for-"

 

"No, no, no… like… romantically." Tom could feel his face twitch with fear as Matt's knees came dangerously close to slipping off the branch. "Sit with me." He said, not bothering to take note of Matt's dumbfounded expression.

 

"Uh… okay."

 

Hm… what if Tom did end up dating Matt? It might not be too bad. Matt was usually annoyingly happy, though, which didn't make sense to him. Matt was diagnosed with clinical depression when he was 14. It made Tom jealous. Matt had depression too! Why was it so easy for him to be happy and so easy for Tom to be sad.

 

Then again, Matt took drama classes until he was 16.

 

Tom flinched and almost fell off the tree as he felt Matt tap him. It seemed he zoned out through the process of Matt switching branches.

 

"Hey," Matt said, his voice blank and his eyes dead. The shift in personality made Tom's stomach drop. "...Why did you ask that?" 

 

"Oh, uh… I don't know. Just throwing it out there."

 

"... Let's go somewhere more private." Matt whispered, slipped off the branch, and stumbled a bit as he hit the ground. "You need help?" He asked, with his eyes away from Tom, who was slowly maneuvering off the tree.

 

"No, I'm ff-!" Tom slipped off the branch but managed to land on his feet. Then proceeded to fall onto his ass. "... I'm fine."

 

"C'mon." Matt reached out to grab Tom's hand. No. Tom couldn't hold Matt's hand right now. Not before talking about romance.

 

"Ah!" Tom squealed and scrambled up, "No no! I'm good, I'm cool! No need for physical contact!"

 

Matt began walking without another word, it was scary, but Tom followed. He looked back at the tree to see Tord staring at them from a branch, his hand covering his left eye and a deep scowl on his face. Maybe he was mad because Tom was about to get romance and Tord was just a stupid incel. Oh, fuck yeah! Take that, incel!

 

Tom smiled to himself.

 

**_ I was right about you. You're nothing short of a degenerate. Are you actually about to date one of your friends out of spite for someone else? No wonder you can't find love. Your mother was right not to love you. _ **

 

Tom squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to drown out that stupid demon's voice. He wouldn't date Matt out of spite! Matt is a sweetheart; he wouldn't be such a lousy partner, but the feelings aren't there. Tom has mostly felt either numb or sad for the longest time, so he'd probably notice if he felt butterflies, which he didn't.

 

But Matt treated Tom well regardless of how nasty Tom could be. Another con would be that Matt was a very affectionate person, which is sufficient on its own, but Matt is physically tender and affectionate. Tom has been craving loving touch his whole life yet at the same time; it scares the shit out of him, so he often just doesn't let people touch him.

 

He bumped into Matt. Right, Matt. The ginger had taken him to an alleyway. Either he was going to get murdered, or get some dick. That's the only thing alleys are suitable for.

 

"Be completely honest with me, okay?" Matt placed his hands on Tom's shoulders.

 

Fuck, touch. Tom was being touched. Matt had a gentle grip, but fuck… he hasn't been touched in a while. The person who touched him the most was Tord, but that was mostly his fist.

 

... Matt's hands were warm, just like when they were 15.

 

"Do. You. Like. Me?" Matt's eyes were big. Big and blue and full of hope.

 

"I-I-" Tom struggled to find words. Did he like him? "D-do I?"

 

"Do you?!" Matt's voice shifted to something desperate

 

"U-Umm… I-I don't know-..." This didn't feel right. He saw how hopeful Matt looked made Tom want to scream. Scream and bash his head right into the fucking brick walls behind them.

 

Matt's expression stayed the same. It was kind of scary.

 

"I-... wouldn't say no to like… experimenting with a relationship." Tom stared back at Matt, his eyes wide as well.

 

"T-then do you wanna like… kiss or something?!" Matt squeezed Tom's shoulders tighter, "I-I have mints, s-since we just ate."

 

"...Are you drunk?!" Tom cringed, "Are you seriously that lightw-"

 

"Tom!" Matt cut him off, "I-I'm not drunk!" Shit, there's the tone again. The one everyone uses when Tom offends them. "D-do you want to kiss…? Maybe to see if it makes you feel something?"

 

**_ Do it. Go on... _ **

 

Tom's lips shifted. He wasn't moving them... fucking demon. 

 

" **_ Yes _ ** ." The demon said through Tom's body, but it's not like Matt knew that.

 

"R-right now?"

 

" **_ Yes _ ** ."

 

**_ Just stay calm and enjoy yourself, Tom. _ **

 

Well, kissing Matt couldn't be so bad, it's the fact that he's most likely going to break Matt's heart, as he's done to everyone who loves him. It's been embedded into his head; whoever loves him will either die, leave him, get their heartbroken, or have something else horrible happen to them.

 

Matt popped a mint into his mouth. It's been forever since he's kissed anyone… fuck… he wasn't ready for this. Not like this. Not here and not now.

 

"M-Maybe we could go somewhere nicer?" No! No, no, no, no! He didn't want to kiss Matt. It's been years since he's kissed anyone, and that someone was Matt. He didn't want to be stuck in another cycle of needing that love so badly but only receiving sex. He couldn't go back to just barely nibbling upon the lining of Matt's heart, only to fuck up again and start back at square one.

 

He wanted someone special. A kiss doesn't awaken love; love awakens a kiss.

 

"Nicer? Oh, well… we can go back to the park, but I'm scared some old conservative granny would preach to us…" Matt giggled as his cheeks turned pink. "Um… sorry, I'm excited."

 

Fuck. Fuck… Tom didn't want to break Matt's fragile little heart. He was already gushing over Tom.

 

"...I still dunno if I do like you-."

 

Matt's smile fell. It was better to tell him now than to break his heart after the kiss.

 

"W-well that's okay. This is just.. an experiment."

 

He couldn't do that again. No more experiments. He needed someone new; he could never go back to Matt.

 

"Y-yeah… in fact, l-lets do it right here… special stuff can come la-"

 

And the next thing he knew, Matt's lips were against his. Fuck, he didn't even have time to moisten his lips.

 

Oh… it was warm. It was deliciously minty. It was soft. Tom could feel himself melting into the kiss. He forgot all about Matt; this kiss was all that mattered right now. When you've gone years without affection, small things feel like bliss.

 

It wasn't a typical kiss; they just had their lips firmly pressed against each other with their heads turned a bit, yet, it felt so good.

 

"You're **_  so selfish, Tom, _ ** " Matt whispered against Tom's lips.

 

Tom gasped and pulled away.

 

"I am  _ not  _ selfish!!"

 

"I didn't say you were…!" Matt tensed up and put his hands up, "I didn't say anything! I swear!"

 

"I-..." Tom looked around. Matt felt far away. Not this again.

 

Sometimes, when Tom made his demon angry, his grip on reality was forced out of his hands. Hallucinations… voices… irrational thoughts swarm him.

 

"I have to go." Tom bit his thumbnail, then pressed a quick kiss to Matt's cheek.

 

"W-what?! Did I do something wrong!?" Matt called to Tom, who was already running down the alley.

 

 

…

 

"Alright, you stupid fuck… what was it this ti-" Before Tom could finish, he slapped himself in the face.

 

**_ Don't talk to me like that. _ **

 

"Fine, sorry. But why are you-"

 

**_ Shh… stay calm and go back to the park. Matt is waiting, wouldn't want to keep him anxious, would you? _ **

 

Tom sighed, "Fine. But this isn't over." The brit shoved his hands into his pockets and made his way back to the greens of the city. Tord was still sat on the tree, staring at the park fountain while Edd was crouched by a stranger's dog and petting it. Meanwhile, Matt was nowhere to be seen.

 

Tord's focus slowly shifted from the fountain to Tom. He waved. Tom found that weird. Tord probably wanted to talk to him if he was waving, right? It's not like he ever wanted to greet Tom, let alone be excited to see him… so maybe it was a sign to come over. So he did.

 

"Hey." Tom had his hands behind his back, casually, "Did you need me?"

 

"I did not," Tord replied blankly, "But you can sit with me. I need to talk to someone." He wasn't really looking at Tom… more like looking in his general direction.

 

"O-Oh, sure… I don't feel like falling off a tree again so we could sit on a bench or whatever." 

 

"Fine. Fountain?"

 

Tom nodded with a small hum and looked back at the fountain as Tord gently slipped down from the branch with a slight grunt as he hit the ground.

 

"Come on." Tord held out his hand for Tom to hold. Tom cringed and slowly pushed Tord's hand away. Did Tord want this hold-handing to be a thing or something? Maybe he could hear the distress in Tom's voice.

 

"S-sorry… I'm… feeling overwhelmed right now… being touched is the last thing I need." Tom muttered quietly and gripped his shoulders to shield himself.

 

"Got it. Anyways, I wanted to talk to you about chapter eight. remember how I wanted to review it with you?" Tord began walking towards the fountain. "And possibly an exorcism plan…" Tords' face turned a little pink, "Also, some emotions I've been having..."

 

"Oh?" Tom sat on the marble edge of the fountain, "You? Feeling emotions? Did I hear that right…? Damn, maybe I do have a concussion." Tom stuck his pinkie in his ear and twirled it as if he was clearing it out.

 

"Continue, and I'll push you straight into the water, broom-hair." Tord snarled and plopped down next to Tom. Tom found it quite amusing when Tord made nicknames about his appearance. Some of his favorites are "Fork-head," "Toothpick-legs," and "Lizard-hands."

 

"Fine." Tom sighed and traced patterns on his right thigh using his index finger, "I didn't finish chapter 8. I got through most of it, though… think we could do an exorcism at home?"

 

"No. Not when Matt and Edd are there."

 

"Right… what if they left?"

 

"There's no way we would be able to cover our tracks… plus, if something goes wrong, that demon could be let loose  _ in our house _ , Tom." Tord hissed through his teeth, "We don't have the right tools here, either. Fuck, the tools we need probably don't exist in this state."

 

"So… we're gonna travel?"

 

"Possibly. If we do, we'll most likely go to America or Asia."

 

"God, I hate America… I hate traveling… especially by plane."

 

"I know. You say that every time someone mentions a different country."

 

"Look, I never traveled when I was growing up unless I was biking to the store to get some bread for my mom."

 

"...Hm." Tord raised a brow and looked at Tom, "Tell me more about her."

 

"Why?"

 

"Well, you don't have to. I only want to know your opinion on her."

 

"Ugh… well, I can't believe that ole hag isn't dead yet." Tom scoffed and looked at his shoes, "Sometimes I miss her, but I mostly hate her. I guess I've always missed her. She was much nicer before my dad died." He looked up to see Tord's reaction. For once, the Norwegian didn't look stern or poker-faced… he looked sympathetic. "Uh… yeah. She wanted to visit this year… I haven't seen her in 7 years, I think."

 

"Are you going to let her?"

 

"Probably. I want to rub it in her face about how shitty she was to me."

 

"Tom, that'll just awaken more trauma."

 

"Do I look like a person who thinks of healthy solutions? She's almost 80 and not even a sweet granny! She's a sour thing; therefore, I think she deserves anything bad that comes to her. And don't say something like,  _ oh but Tom, she's so old and helpless! You can't do that to an old lady! _  Well, I was nine and helpless when she did all those shitty things to m-"

 

"Sh, hey… I understand that you want to hurt her, but we can't have her interrupting our plans. I can stand it if you tell her off or something, but I don't want to break you out of jail for assaulting a senior."

 

Tom furrowed his brows and crossed his arms, knowing Tord was right. He only stayed in that positions for a few seconds, before loosening his eyebrows and letting his hands fall back onto the marble surface of the fountain. He'd always imagined getting revenge on his mum in some big, epic way.

 

"...I want to cry." He mumbled quietly, "I'm a crybaby, sorry… I just… after everything she's fucking put me through… I always thought she'd get what she deserved, but I guess I waited too long. She's the reason for so many fucking things. I wouldn't drink so much if it weren't for her. I wouldn't do so many things because of her. Remember what you said about people pushing hurdles out of the way for me? All her, baby!" Tom's voice was trembling. He sniffled and looked at Tord, "Do you know what it's like to be so traumatized? I barely told you half of the shit she did."

 

"I doubt I'm as traumatized as you… but I have my fair share of bad memories."

 

"I hate my mum." He gritted his teeth and pressed his tongue against the roof of his mouth. He heard somewhere that doing that might help you stop yourself from crying. It didn't work. "I'm sorry for crying and always ruining shit. Tonight was supposed to be great but I-"

 

"I'm going to stop you there. I know you have emotional and mental issues, Tom. Maybe I have trouble sympathizing with that sometimes but having trauma doesn't mean you ruin things. You have shit to deal with."

 

"Hmm…" Tom wiped his eyes with his thumb, "Can you ask Edd if we can leave…? I don't feel like dealing with life."

 

"Of course. I'll text him and Matt to meet up with us here." Tord mumbled and pulled out his phone.

 

Tom turned his attention to the fountain. He shifted to sit on his knees, facing the fountain now. His reflection in the water made him feel nauseated. He already knew he was ugly, so maybe his body was rejecting something.

 

"... Y'know… it'd be funny if I just drowned myself in the fountain right now." He let out a quiet, throaty chuckle, "I could just… like… make everything shitty end right here."

 

He felt Tord tug at his wrist, and suddenly, he was yanked back by his sleeve and stumbled onto the grass. "What?!" Tom screeched as he regained balanced, "What was that for?!"

 

"Tom! Did you even realize what you said?"

 

"W-well yeah, but it doesn't mean you get to throw me!"

 

"I take action when I see someone debating action, Tom." Tord stared. "Tell me, yes or no, are you suicidal?"

 

"No! I'm literally not." Tom growled, "I say shit like that sometimes. People use dark humor to cope, y' know."

 

"Tom, I can assure you that no one flat out says things like that and laughs about it! Even if they did, that's still suicidal ideation."

 

"Well, I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself, either way! So we're good."

 

"Tom." Tord stared, "Ugh… we'll work on this later…" He pointed behind Tom. When the brit looked over, he saw Edd slowly approaching with Matt behind him.

 

"I don't want to." Tom crossed his arms, "It's stupid anyway. I won't kill myself or anything."

 

"Yes, but idealizing suicide isn't exactly healthy either." Tord facepalmed, "Stop talking about it for now. Let's go." He turned quickly on his heel and began heading in the direction of the car. Tom rolled his eyes and followed with Edd and Matt close behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I think I owe you all an apology. I know that I said I would try to be quicker with updates but lately, I've been having a lot of issues. I'm going to be meeting my boyfriend in October though, so I'm excited about that! Unfortunately, it might take away some writing time (but hopefully, being with him will give me some romantic ideas for the fanfic!). I'm really sorry this chapter took so long. Depression has been taking over and my motivation is low.
> 
> Also, I apologize for the short chapter, I've had some trouble writing well lately, so I subscribed to grammarly premium to hopefully help with that.
> 
> Hopefully, I'll feel better soon, I'm trying to get medication.
> 
> As always, leave a comment about your likes/dislikes and what I can improve on. It motivates me a lot, thank you!


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